Things started getting really exciting on the way to Wandle Park: first, we decided that when we got there we should launch into the first of the day’s film-related forfeit rounds; and second, the tram took a maverick route up a rollercoaster-style bit of track, in order to clear Roman Way. [Memo to Croydon Council: install more slopes like this, they amuse small minds.]

Having arrived, Alex got the first pick, while I took a photo and Tim looked impatiently on.

Pad presents the first forfeit

Imagine Alex’s surprise when he realised that he’d chosen this:

During the tiresome trek to the Hare & Hounds, which in all probability was nearer to the next stop than it was to Wandle Park, we repeatedly questioned whether we could really go through with the chosen task. But stupidity prevailed, and Pad played his trump card by pretending to be Welsh – looking back, it must be said that it wasn’t Pad’s fault that the barman was of this very nationality, and how Pad escaped a good kicking I’ll never know. Still, he managed to get served two Carlsbergs (for himself and Alan), two Tetleys (for Simon and Tim), a “dark ’n’ fudgy” Guinness (for Alex), and a Castlemaine 4X (for myself). According to my list the absent Ian was at that point drinking a latte, though I’m not sure how we knew this.

We then sheepishly sat down (at a safe distance from the bar and the other drinkers, it must be said) and attempted to conduct a conversation in which Tim had a “Lagos” accent, Alex a “southern U.S. drawl”, myself an “Australian twang” (no doubt inspired by my choice of drink), Alan something of a vaguely “Bavarian” nature, and Simon an unnatural Welsh–Indian hybrid. After a few slip-ups (resulting in drink-related fines), we settled into our roles, only to decide that after about ten minutes we should all “rotate accents”, so that we had to adopt the accent of the drinker to our right. I don’t know what this must have sounded like to punters walking past on their way to the toilets, but we managed to not get thrown out.

Despite amusing ourselves heartily, we found the Hare & Hounds to be a bit devoid of atmosphere – and, as anyone knows, we share Russ Abbot’s penchant for a party with an atmosphere. Indeed, Tim seems to have gone out on something of a limb in his disapproval, pulling the average down to an unrecommendable level.

In keeping with this scoring, we do seem to have been unusually elated by our departure:

Disco 2000 (D2K)

And it was with little regret that we trudged back through the miserable English weather to the tram stop. Despite the rain, the opportunity to pose next to both a (strangely luminous) Tramlink placard and a Watford FC-related roadsign seems to have been too much for us to pass up.

Walk this way

I’m still not sure whether Alan was trying to direct traffic or reinstate Robotics as a valid form of modern dance.

At this stage, we were still quite impressed by the Tramlink service – the trams seemed fast and pretty frequent. Little did we know how sourly it would all end; but for now, we continued blithely upon our journey, skipping two stops (Waddon Marsh and the intriguing Ampere Way) before arriving at Therapia Lane.